A blog by James: Gamer, Father, Geek.

Ok it’s time to ‘fess up. It’s a secret I’ve kept from my friends and co-workers for long enough. Only my wife has known. Until now.

I…don’t know how to use the photocopier at work.

There, I’ve said it. Me, the person who was programming the Video Plus for my Mum when I was 6. Configuring sound ports to get games working in DOS aged 11. Building my own PCs since I was 16. IT Technician for 2 years for a school with hundreds of computers. The go-to person for all my family and friends on IT advice and PC repair. Stumped by the humble photocopier.

I have never needed to use one before. I have a laser printer connected to my laptop that prints stuff out pretty fast, and all documents I need printing are either provided for me or emailed so I can print them off from the comfort of my desk.

The photocopiers at work are these big monstrous looking machines with a million buttons. Worse, they’re in a room that has the door open most of the time and people are constantly in and out of it so the chances of having a go privately are slim. I do hate making a fool out of myself.

Today a co-worker (one I really fancy*) asked me to photocopy some work for me. Not just a simple photocopying job, oh no. 15 sheets of this page, 30 of this, 30 of these double sided. DOUBLE SIDED! She had written the instructions down for me but apart from that I was on my own.

First hurdle was logging into it. I am used to a computer. There is a user ID and a PIN to put in so where is the damned tab key? How do I change boxes? Of course at this point another co-worker comes in and casually starts his photocopying like an expert. Bloody show off. I announce to him that this is my first time and so he is to make no comments on me. I soon realize it’s got a touch screen to change fields. Of course. Why there would be a touch screen and then manual buttons is beyond me.

My second mistake was photocopying the sheets sideways. Luckily this was not spotted by the other guy and he left none the wiser. For a while after this all went well. I even figured out how to do it double sided. Then there was a loud whirring and flashing lights. A paper jam? But the sign on the wall says to follow the on screen instructions in the event of a jam. THERE ARE NO ON-SCREEN INSTRUCTIONS!

Time to panic. Do I phone the front office for help? Yeah ok. Nobody’s answering. Ok try the pretty lady who I’m photocopying for. She has no idea. As I’m on the phone the evil machine starts to restart for no apparent reason. Yay! I broke something that probably costs thousands of pounds.

Luckily after a few minutes it did produce instructions on how to check for paper jams. I had to pull various levers and slide out many trays, being careful to avoid the hot areas. I was like Indiana Jones if he never went on any actual adventures.

I fixed it! And again. And again. It must have jammed 10 times in different sections of the machine before I was finished. Real trial by fire stuff. My life is so exciting.

So my secret shame is no more. I have mastered the photocopier for now. Legend has it is capable of other wizardry such as stapling sheets together but I shall save that for another time. I may need to bring supplies and a small oriental side-kick with me for assistance.

Go on then you people (all 3 of you) out there, what is your secret shame? Doesn’t have to be personal just something that you don’t know how to do or have never done that you really aught to have by now.

* It’s ok, she’s my Wife, I’m allowed to fancy her

I run a gaming club once a week after work for the kids. There’s usually about 10 of them and most of them are 13/14. We have very limited funds (almost none) so all they play really is Unreal Tournament 2k4 and web games, but it’s been enough to keep them going. In a way it doesn’t matter what we play or what selection there is, it’s also a social gathering.

Obviously this type of club attracts the geeky kids. I use this term lovingly, after all it is a word that I use to define myself. Part of the reason I started the club was because when I was at school my ICT teacher (who is now my co-worker) let me and a few friends install Total Annihilation on the computers and we played it over a LAN after school. It was amazingly fun and felt like a special treat, and so it’s something I’m doing to pass the torch on. Yeah I get paid a bit extra to do it but only because it was insisted upon, for the first year I pretty much did it for free.

What I like to see is otherwise very quiet kids get really into the games. When they’re playing the games they’re on a level playing field. Physical and social prowess go out the window, it’s their gaming skills that matter. This week I dusted off my Wife’s Nintendo Wii and brought it along. Unsurprisingly it was a huge hit and I think will re-invigorate the club. It also brings the advantage of not needing to faff about installing games (and the technical headaches that brings when the computers are so restricted). The highlight of tonight was seeing one particular kid who is probably the quietest of the lot completely kick the arses of everyone. He had such a grin on his face it was fantastic to see.

I hope that these kids will in the future say things like “Remember when we used to play games after school…” and think of it as fondly as I do of my gaming sessions after school.

In the book series I’m reading humans eventually split into two general groups, the Adamists and the Edenists. From what I understand Adamists are generally an offshoot of the Catholic church. They have a monarchy spanning many planets and their technology tends to involve nano technology. Not all of them are overly religious but their society is in part governed by religious ideals.

The Edenists are those that embraced genetic technology. They grow mutli-kilometer, living space habitats for millions of people to live in and share thoughts via an ability called Affinity. Also upon death their consciousnesses can be transferred to their habitats. In this state they can be as individual as they want until eventually deciding to merge with everyone else that has died, becoming a part of the habitat’s personality.

So which would I be? I like the idea of the living ships and habitats of the Edenists, and the idea of transferring your consciousness upon death could be almost like immortality, though would it really be you, or just a copy of you? Adamist’s use of nano technology makes their bodies seem like they are merged with computers. They can download courses into their heads to learn new things, they can block pain or anxiety by controlling almost any aspect of their bodies.

In reality I see humans going both ways. I have said before that something like Twitter is the first step on the path to shared consciousness like the Edenists use. Twitter (and the internet in general) lets us share what we think and feel instantaneously with everyone else connected. I don’t think it’s that hard to believe than within a few hundred years we will be able to think a Tweet instead of type it.

Equally the idea of biological space habitats makes sense. Our bodies are essentially factories that can grow and repair themselves, why can’t the same principal be applied on a larger scale? It would start off small and all we would need to supply it with is raw materials for it to grow according to the DNA we design. Yes it would take hundreds if not thousands of years to develop that kind of technology but it could be possible!

This is why I love science fiction. Taking ideas we already have an extrapolating them to their extremes. I think a lot of scientific research comes about from people reading or seeing science fiction and it giving them the inspiration to make these things a reality. Would we have iPads and mobile phones if we didn’t see such devices on Star Trek?

I would want the best of both worlds, but at a push I’d go for Adamist. To have that ultimate control of all your bodily functions, to have a computer inside of you and an army of nano-bots that can be used to give medical aid, calm your nerves, access memories like files on a computer and both send and receive thoughts and experiences sounds like a future I would fit into.

(Yes I am side-stepping all the moral and ethical implications. I am too tired to go into that but I could write many thousands of words on the subject if I had the time and inclination!)

I was giving Hannah a bath tonight. Outside the door we can hear the dog whining. With a most serious face she frown, points menacingly at the door and says “Patch, stop it! Really naughty Patch. Really bad, go away!”. Naturally I find this hilarious as she’s obviously paid good attention to us telling the dog off. Even funnier that the dog actually stopped but she carried on for a good few minutes for good measure.

This is the kind of thing I’d love to get on camera but she’s already turning camera shy. She had stopped doing it in the 10 seconds it took me to get my camera out. Further attempts to get her to do the same thing were met with “No camera!”.

To make up for this I did manage to capture her while we did the post-bath routine. It consists usually of her being on the changing matt and we both ‘hide’ under the towel. Then usually a combination of tickling and pretending to eat her. Nice bit of fun before bed and expends the last bit of energy she has.

Whilst she’s uncontrollably giggling she can’t refuse the camera though! Not captured in the video is the fact that she says “Stop it!” (pronounced ‘Dop it!’) but the second I stop she says in the dirtiest laugh of a voice “Come on!”, and I have to tickle her all over again. It’s such a hard life being a dad

So here is my little monkey being tickled on camera for the sake of my blog.

Ok so I finally gave up waiting for The Neutronium Alchemist to arrive on the Kindle store. After reading this blog post by the Mighty Flub, which linked to this simple guide on stripping DRM, I went for it. Yeah it’s a breach of T&Cs, illegal, but certainly not immoral. I’ve legally purchased two copies of this book. I won’t distribute the digital version and the paper copy will go to a charity shop.

Picked the book up for just under £7 on the Waterstones website, downloaded Calibre and following the above mentioned instructions, I now have it on my Kindle with little to no fuss. Wish I’d tried this before buying the paperback but hey ho!

I think I will make a habit of converting my collections to DRM free versions, and not just books but music and movies as well. I don’t know what devices will become the most widely used in the future. In the past a new format arriving meant ditching the old. How many of us still play VHS movies? Why bother when you can pick up a lot of old films for a few quid on DVD. Well with digital stuff you can in a sense format-proof it by converting them to a DRM free, widely used format that isn’t tied to a specific device.

Anyway, I’m now off to cram as much reading in as possible before falling asleep, and today I won’t tire my wrist out holding open the little obese book that is the second part in the Night’s Dawn Trilogy.